Then, suddenly, I became a FIRST-MARATHONER (in training) and a charity runner (more on that ASAP) and this blog became the chronicle of my adventure for anyone who wants to read/ support and advise. Sometimes, I feel as though blogging is entirely self indulgent and won't matter to people other than my parents ( Hi guys, I know you read this!) and other times, I feel the weight of the running and non running world as I write and I'm suddenly embarrassed. Last week was a rough week in training, both physically and mentally and while everything's looking up it has been really hard to write about.
I don't like to get behind or fail or struggle.
Nothing tragic happened last week; I'm not injured or otherwise prevented from running the great race. It was just full of little hoops and stop gaps that have left me tired and achy, scared for what's to come. After a good, hard speed workout Monday night, my coach, Brian asked about my training and I told him that I wanted to update my weekly log with nothing but the words: I hate running! He said it was better just to record my times and move on. He also, incidentally reminded me "not to worry that Michele (my wonderful running partner) is faster". Trust me: she is and I'm not. This seems like shaky advice, but coming from Brian, it was just what I needed.
"Marathons are hard," my coach said by way of encouragement. "They take a lot of strength, but they're not impossible. Over 400,000 people ran a marathon last year; they're not impossible." Since training began, I've forcibly shut out the impossibility of my quest and just focused on the progress. I am getting stronger; I can feel my endurance building and the miles getting shorter and faster. I will never be the fastest girl in the race and that's okay, I just want to be successful, to be able to note the tangible results of my labour, and last week felt like like giant mess, a total wash.
First there was a bad 10K--slow, achy, sick miserable. I was just too stressed to run and couldn't get my mind to push past or work with my body.
And then there was the NYC Marathon Lottery.
As a life-long student and teacher, "The Lottery" resounds in my brain, not as a chance to make a million or to be one of a million randomly selected participants in a race. Rather, I think of Shirley Jackson's short story (of the same name) in which the members of a tiny town ritualistically stone one of their members to death each year. ( I have now succeeded in spoiling the plot and too-tightly condensing a beautifully written and highly nuanced story about the power of ritual and crowd mentality, alas.) In Jackson's story, the town sacrifices, not the weakest link, but the one with ( one might suppose) the weakest luck. Poor unsuspecting Tessie falls victim to the tradition and momentum of the crowd.
So, too, I fell victim to the NYC Marathon Lottery Gods.
In preparation for the results, I ran my terrible 6-miler and sat for two rounds of cocktails with Michele. I prayed. I drank. Still, no luck.
So, what's a girl to do? Run for Charity. I was planning to run the marathon in this spirit anyways, but now, it too is the guarantor of my spot in the race. I just got confirmation TODAY from Fred's Team and am more than proud to run in support of their efforts. But last week, while I was running poorly and feeling bad for myself, they too were uncooperative nemeses, telling me I'd been waitlisted. I had to wait to see if there would be room for me in the race.
They had to let me in, I thought because there's no way that I can be training this hard and not be able to run a marathon.
They did. I'm in!
And now that I know it, I feel both burdened and free. I can't wait to run with a community of committed athletes and servants; I can't wait to BE ONE.
Here's to the week beyond the wall; may it be better than the last.
It will be fine. It really will. Physiologically you get fitter by progressive overload followed by adaptation (in your RnR week of your 4 week cycle.) As you get fitter you work harder and when you feel like crap it usually means you are in the overload process and that adaptation (so long as you actively recover properly) will soon follow. This is why ALL regular runners have 'bad' weeks when ever step feels like treacle, you sleep badly, feel grumpy etc. It is normal and will pass. The longer you are 'a runner' the more you will grow to ignore it and eventually feel that it is a necessary part of the improvement process.
ReplyDeleteHave a good week!! Remember though it is ESSENTIAL that ever fourth week of your training cycle is a stripped down training week where you are just doing low level maintenance training or you won't bounce back :)
Thank you thank you for the advice. I'm still building a lot of miles and learning how my body works to handle them, so any suggestions you have are precious and appreciated. I've got a long run tomorrow so we'll see how it goes!
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